Law and Order vs. Law of Nature

GAAAAHHH!!!!

For weeks, I've pledged I'll work on revising my book.

Then other diversions-- sleep, cuddles, poetry, the need to brain fry-- they all stop me cold.

Here I sit, with Dante's Inferno in front of me, and I keep telling myself I have to work on revising my book.... You see, the blessed ms is called "One Hell of a Book" and I started re-writing it solo this summer. And I realized I could finish it by April, if I dedicated two mornings a week...

I just find it hard to put distance between myself and le Aviator (my beau). Why should I!??

.... because I keep kicking myself in the butt for doing sod all with my book.

That's why!!!

And I'm ALSO frustrated that there's so much to be done in the world of poetry. I have over a hundred poems to revise... and I want to... I love revision...

It's just...

It feels a bit daunting, you know!??

After 40 hours (sporadic, too-- often I'll have a little overtime on Friday, Saturday, and/or Monday that I have to eliminate on Wednesday and Thursday.... so I'll do work six days a week many times, even if it's not a full shift each day...) of journalism each week.... Man oh man!!!

I just don't feel much like looking MORE at prose.... and reworking it... Honestly, I don't feel much like looking at my poetry and reworking it, either.

::steam:: I'd like a break.

Yeah, I was out sick for two weeks, but I've not had a bloody vacation since... June of 2004.... so yes, I am tired.

Is that too weak of an excuse!??

I only feel like doing diversionary pastimes-- which only take short bursts of energy. Maybe I can allow myself to revise in short bursts. I just know how fiction's been in the past--- takes over my hours quickly....

And I think that the hours awake after being sleepy.... even though they provide precious time with le Aviator, well, they apparently aren't that great an idea. They MIGHT be effecting my energy enough to have me looking apprehensively at Dante and unwilling to open my ms file.

And maybe that's not it, either!??

I DON'T want to shut out the blessings in my life just to get my book revised. I want both blessings and time and energy for revision. I have the technology to follow through on writerly promises with myself.

Gotta commit to my physical self, too.

Hopefully that'll put things in the balance I'd like to see....

YAY!!! ... It's beautiful!!!

I've been honored by Friends of the Friendless... :-)

>You see!? You see!!??

It makes coming back to work the day after Thanksgiving very much worth it.

Especially since the picture of the band has some of my faaaavorite people ever in it. ::biiiggrin::

... I wonder if the drum in that scene really says what it says it says in the picture.

Poetic License: Wonderful lyrics that don't make sense

Dear Chuck Berry,

I love you. You hear that all the time, I am sure!!! And how wonderful that you are called "rock and roll's poet laureate". I know that I am writing greatness.

But!!!! Whatchu gotta say for yourself, Chuck?

Here are some of the words to one of my favorite songs of yours, Mr. Barry:

Memphis, Tennesee

Long distance information,
give me Memphis, Tennesee.
Trying to find the party
that tried to get in touch with me.

She would not leave a message,
but I know who placed the call!!!
M? ? ? took the message
and he wrote it on the wall.

What now, Chuck!? The narrarator of your classic rock and roll piece said the caller didn't leave a message and then he said that someone wrote the message on the wall...

Does that mean the message was, "Somebody in Memphis called"!??

I am sorry I do not have all the words correct. It seems that your lyrics are terribly difficult to find-- one site that promised your lyrics was a blog in Spanish.

Thank You,

Tabitha Dial

...But that doesn't make it right....

I dunno, fair readers.

I could do a lot of networking. For this blog. And I haven't. Yes, I've told friends about this spot, but really, there are the bloggists, the lurkers, and the unconverted.

I'd like more bloggists to make comments. You know-- people I don't know through a group or from school or work or suchlike already.

But there are thousands-- bazillions-- of blogs out there (LibrarianPirate, is there a Dewey Decimal System for online items!??).

Why should mine matter!??

.... In all fairness, it doesn't. There are a lot better things we could probably all be doing with our time.

I just know that there are excellent conversations about writing and poetry going on out there... maybe I am approaching this wrong. Long story short: I don't want to just SHARE and SHARE and SHARE and hear the crickets chirping. And I don't want this place just smoothered with compliments from friends I know.

Less ego, more learning and dialogue. I have to make more compelling entries, then, and draw readers. And posters.

Look out, Emily Dickinson

Well yeeeehah....

I printed off all the poetry I've written that is worth looking at. Well, since about 20 months ago or something.

My friend Steve, from my regular poetry workshop (he suggested we come up with a unique name, like the Inklings.... I haven't come up with anything yet, but if anyone out there is just dying to give a creative name to a threesome of poets, please share! Fame awaits!) came up with the inspired idea of us each printing off our poetry to give to one another this Cmas.

YES!!!

.... Except.... my back hurt for about half an hour after I figured out what poems to print and which ones to keep hidden. No, it's not that there are SO MANY my back went out trying to lift them. It's just the repetitive motion.

Emily Dickson wrote 1707 poems (that's just a small withdrawal from my memory banks). I know I was over 1500 by the age of 20. Tonight I counted 137. A few are missing. But then, a few of those are really repeats... Poor naming of files habit I've got.

So... 1637. Only 170 left. And actually, I could have reached this benchmark and not known it. Now I want to move all my old, almost all untyped poetry from my parents to Denver.

Ah.... Denver...

Maybe I'll write about the early stages of looking into Denver apartments another time...

I like that I am...

No, I did not think of this on my own.

"A Revision" is the name of the blog where I found this... and I like it.... http://carolsbookblogs.blogspot.com/2005/04/i-like-that-i-am.html

So the following is my version...

I like that I am...
1) Listening to the Beatles
2) Sitting in front of a mini altar that has the Tarot cards "The Fool", "The Tower" and "The Sun" on it.
3) Sitting in front of beautiful burning candles
4) Sitting behind a computer that I've written on for years-- fiction, non-fiction, resumes, poetry; this screen has seen it, baby, yeah! ;-)
5) Courageous
6) Willing to listen
7) Unwilling to compromise
8) Very happy with my job
9) Sure of who I am
10) Happy with the poetry I have been writing
11) A member of a fantastic group of poets who meet bimonthly or more often to share our joys, doubts, and passion for poetry
12) Able to call Julie Kraft my friend
13) Able to call Yael Pennywhistle my friend
14) A member of a cool blogging community that my oldest friends*, known at blogspot as "The Pink Shoe" and "Librarian Pirate", have introduced me to
15) A member of the Colorado Poets Association
16) A member of the Denver Woman's Press Club
17) Working at YourHub.com
18) Taking pictures for an income
19) Writing for an income
20) Doing newspaper layout for an income
21) Realizing I'm certainly not perfect
22) Not living from paycheck to paycheck
23) Sharing a bed with someone I love
24) Often laughing with the person I share a bed with
25) Very much in love-- or in adoration-- or longing to embrace-- or without question-- with the person I share a bed with
26) Free to do quite a number of things
27) Someone who's been able to try out just about everything she's wanted: skiing needs to happen soon!
28) My mother's daughter
29) My father's biggest fan
30) My brother's sister (it's quite obvious that I am; we're a lot alike!)
31) The proud owner of a gorgeous Jeep Liberty
32) Warm in the winter
33) Cool in the summer
34) Not far from water when I am thirsty
35) Familar with many people who are happy to offer me a drink
36) Going to play Poker again this weekend
37) Still friends with five different people I worked with in retail
38) Never going to forget what it's like to work in retail
39) Eating with my parents at IHOP tonight
40) A former oboist
41) A former clarinetist
42) Aware of the meaning of life, as per Douglas Noel Adams
43) A once and future guitarist
44) A once and future pianist
45) A once and future songwriter
46) An owner of many gorgeous books I have never read, such as "The Once and Future King"
47) Able to read
48) Able to write
49) Able to get online!
50) The owner of a very large aloe vera plant my grandmother helped me get about ten years ago.
51) The owner of my grandfather's peacoat from his days in the Navy in WWII
52) A reciter of my grandfather's sayings: "My cup runneth over!", "Miiighty lerapin!", and "Don't step in the grease!", to name a few
53) Not in trouble with the law
54) Not dating former boyfriends
55) Not in debt
56) Not in college, though grad school somewhat appeals
57) Still living in Colorado
58) Being read by you
59) Close to my brother
60) Not too far from my family at all times
61) A Colorado Native
62) A Pisces
63) A Monkey
64) Able to cook my mother's chili for my new family as well as she does for ours
65) Lucky enough to see the mountains every day
66) Lucky enough to see at least one horsie every week
67) Colorful
68) Onery.... but with a chocolate coating of caring
69) Honest
70) Realizing I should sometimes not be THAT honest
71) Smiling in most of my pictures, and wanting to in the ones that people told me not to smile in... ;-)
72) Well traveled
73) Looking forward to traveling further
74) Invited to Jerusalem, Athens, Chicago, St. Louis, Virginia, Florida...
75) Digesting a chocolate milk at this moment
76) The recipient of an email from my beau from seven minutes ago
77) The granddaughter of a painter
78) The great-granddaughter of a poet and much-admired English teacher
79) Loved and protected
80) Not afraid to confront myself
81) Not afraid to commit to myself
82) Not afraid to share myself with others
83) 25 years old
84) Many different people all at once
85) Reading Mary Oliver's latest collection of poetry, which she signed
86) Reading from two Poetry journals
87) Reading a chap book that won a local contest this year
88) About to revise five or six poems I wrote in the last week
89) Sitting up in this computer room while my mother teaches piano below
90) The person who carved the cute spider pumpkin outside the home I call my own in Denver now
91) Able to detatch from less-than-desirable relationships
92) Me
93) Not too worried about anything
94) Open to suggestions
95) Cultivating a wicked sense of humor-- good or bad
96) Hoping for the best
97) Looking past the worst
98) Going to change
99) Going to grow up more
100) Going to keep my childlike enthusiasm


*These friends are actually younger than me. So they aren't old. I've just known them longer than any of my other friends!**

**Imaginary friends and favorite book characters and rock idols and family members, regardless of real or imagined status, are not included.

God save the muse-driven

I guess us creatives have a problem with conceit.

Though I'm not entirely convinced. I look at many poets-- Mary Oliver and Naomi Shihab Nye-- who make a point of caring for humanity in their work.

And I think on my own: the majority of my poetry captures the passion I have felt in my life, on a one-on-one level. I write about the things that have changed me, the things I wonder about, the ideas just outside my window, and the world I never want to trap within myself.

And I know my emails are like that, too: writing is a salve. Of course! So I do write about myself when I send my words out into the world, as poetry or as email.

And earlier this week, I was accused of being fixated on myself. CLEARLY fixated, particularly in the last few months, I was told. And how selfish of me to expect someone else to write back when she just didn't have the time and energy to acknowledge my emails (some of them responses to her blog; I thought that was a fair effort on my part to show I was reading up on her and actually gave a damn). She also didn't have the energy or motivation to call (but neither did I, as I much prefer email).

Consequently, I've dissolved that relationship, and feel much better.

But I've begun to think (again): where's the problem? I do not believe "the problem" is wholly owned by myself. The muse-driven can be incredibly one-minded, and maybe only truly appreciated by their admirers and family.

Maybe friends aren't the best thing for creative types, unless those friends can understand and tolerate and accept what it is to be creative.

I also have a habit of shooting from the hip when it comes to people I consider pretty close. This has, to my knowledge, only hurt the feelings of two people. When someone is acting or doing something that I think is daft-- harmful to themselves; obsessive; counter-productive, I tend to tell them.

Maybe I ought to put it into verse and keep it under wraps.

You can't always get what you wa-ant...

PIDDLECAKES and POOPOOMUFFINS.

I didn't get the four-week writer's residency at the Vermont Studio Center that I applied for. I read the letter on a favorite holiday, Halloween.

Can I admit I cried for about 20 minutes while listening to Joni Mitchell's album, Blue!?? I wanted to find After the Harvest by Neil Young, but. You can't always get what you want.

Interesting how writers can take some things sooooo sensitively. The experience had me thinking: Am I really happy with my creative life!?? I wonder if anyone really is, even maybe when they GET TO DO WHAT THEY LOVE all the time.

There are surely always obstacles. Or what would be the point of life?

The Vremont Studio Center does want to give me a Writer's Grant and a Financial Aid Work opportunity, but I'd still have to pay $2200 plus travel expenses, and I'd be out of work for four weeks.

They want a $300 deposit by Nov. 18 if I accept.

I don't think I will.

I could do other things with $2200-- that's almost five months of savings for me nowadays.

My beau, Le Aviator, was very encouraging and sweet and WONDERFUL when I arrived last night, still all teary and sensitive. He said I must apply again. This I probably will do-- it only costs $25.

My emotions last night revealed a lot. I was last month sick at home for two weeks with a nasty ear infection. The highlight was getting to spend my days with books and my notebook. I knew I would be happy freelance writing.... But then one day I knew I'd miss the photography aspect of my job.....

Iknow I need to reinstate the habit of submitting to two or three publications a month. May was the last time I did so. I concentrated on joining groups, checking out poetry functions, discussing potential projects I could do for other publications, and writing favorite poets.

So it wasn't lost.

I just think it lacked a little reward.

Now, where to begin on this scary freelance endeavor, should I choose to...