You can't always get what you wa-ant...

PIDDLECAKES and POOPOOMUFFINS.

I didn't get the four-week writer's residency at the Vermont Studio Center that I applied for. I read the letter on a favorite holiday, Halloween.

Can I admit I cried for about 20 minutes while listening to Joni Mitchell's album, Blue!?? I wanted to find After the Harvest by Neil Young, but. You can't always get what you want.

Interesting how writers can take some things sooooo sensitively. The experience had me thinking: Am I really happy with my creative life!?? I wonder if anyone really is, even maybe when they GET TO DO WHAT THEY LOVE all the time.

There are surely always obstacles. Or what would be the point of life?

The Vremont Studio Center does want to give me a Writer's Grant and a Financial Aid Work opportunity, but I'd still have to pay $2200 plus travel expenses, and I'd be out of work for four weeks.

They want a $300 deposit by Nov. 18 if I accept.

I don't think I will.

I could do other things with $2200-- that's almost five months of savings for me nowadays.

My beau, Le Aviator, was very encouraging and sweet and WONDERFUL when I arrived last night, still all teary and sensitive. He said I must apply again. This I probably will do-- it only costs $25.

My emotions last night revealed a lot. I was last month sick at home for two weeks with a nasty ear infection. The highlight was getting to spend my days with books and my notebook. I knew I would be happy freelance writing.... But then one day I knew I'd miss the photography aspect of my job.....

Iknow I need to reinstate the habit of submitting to two or three publications a month. May was the last time I did so. I concentrated on joining groups, checking out poetry functions, discussing potential projects I could do for other publications, and writing favorite poets.

So it wasn't lost.

I just think it lacked a little reward.

Now, where to begin on this scary freelance endeavor, should I choose to...